The night has fallen, and the moon has brought with it a cold chill to dust out upon the air. I stand outside on my balcony inhaling deeply on a cigarette while thinking of you. So many songs and phrases and sounds and laughters and sobs and whispers that remind me of you all day long...until I get home...until now. The quiet is mind shattering. Memories seem to fade away with the ringing in my ears causing my mind to open up to the reality of things. You're gone because I left. Sounds odd to say it like that, but there it is in black and white. I left because you weren't ever there to begin with. Perhaps you wanted to be. Perhaps you thought that you were. Perhaps you knew all along that you were playing a game of ghosts and shadows all along and were just awaiting to see how long it took me to catch on. All I know is that we're on two separate planes....mentally, emotionally...spiritually. I say what I mean, and I mean what I say...I'm literal...and open. You have a habit of hiding behind your own eyes, refusing to open your lips to speak...and even upon opening them, barely any sound comes out....just a silent stare of failure. The silence then...I hated it. The silence now? It's comforting. Odd how something like silence can make one feel so many different emotions and have so many different thoughts. At times, silence can cause more chaos that a dictator's glory speech to a nation of followers....yet, at other times, silence can heal even the most broken mind or soul. They say to think before you speak...that words are dangerous...and I agree with that...but somebody forgot to address just how dangerous the lack of words can be.
It always starts with a smile and a hello,
The rain is bout to come down,
Solid on the ground,
Like kids throwin stones at an old man's window,
And he'll come outside,
With his cane held high,
Scream "Imma call the cops if you don't go!"
I smell nail polish remover out on my balcony,
Neighbor's tryin to put on a smile,
I just realized I've missed my bus,
After I've walked so many miles,
And I've run outta time,
I'm runnin outta air,
I've run outta money,
Searchin for a better place,
Searchin for a better me.
So....big changes at my job...good changes at my job..massive pay raise. Things are looking up, finally. Since breaking up with my ex over 3 months ago, things have been a lot less stressful in my life. I'm surrounded by people that are actually somewhat SANE and don't LIE. I honestly think my ex was compulsive with her lies...I'm sure she still is...and I'm glad her insanity is completely out of my life now. I shouldn't have put up with her and everything that she "brought to the table" as long as I did, but, I didn't want to give up, I guess. Somewhere down inside me, there was a part of me that really did love her....BUT, I'm now glad that she's gone and it's all over and done.
I've been dating. The only problem I seem to be having with that is: I'm not ready to "settle down"...and it seems that everyone I date wants to be exclusive..wants a relationship. After going through everything that I went through with the ex, I'm just not ready for another relationship...especially not now...I need to be more focused on my job than anything at the moment...then, once things settle down at work..once I settle down at work...then...maybe...Maybe.
I can feel it coming in the air...those small, bright sparks in the atmosphere around me...that heavy weight feeling on my chest...the cold emptiness that massages at my heart...and the dark realizations that stomp down onto the floor of my mind.
I should have done more research. I could've avoided so many aches and pains of the mental and emotional kind. Now, another...running straight up to me at full speed, smile spread wide, arms outstretched, hopeful tears in the eye that I will be accepting and wanting...
But I'm not wanting. I don't want to be accepting of this. I want to feel the warmth of the sunlight on my smiling, glowing face as the happiness bellows out of me in laughter...but, alas, all that was ever brought by this carrier was the ice, cold rain falling from black clouds and landing on skin made of stone.
It was like a liquid fire,
Engulfing me from the inside out,
Coarsing through my veins and radiating through the pores of my skin,
And causing me to glow with every step,
Feeling the power of the light as is verberated off every muscle movement,
Like a much needed stretch in the morning when you jump out of bed,
Refreshed and very much alive,
Feeling every inch of your throat and lungs as you suck the fresh air in,
And your eyes get wide in order to take in all the beauty of life,
Causing you to feel like a little kid again,
When you played in the rain in the afternoon after playing in the sweltering heat of the day,
Where it was so hot that you couldn't even breathe in the shade,
But you endured the sun's rays beating down upon your head,
Causing your hair to smell like sunshine,
Because you knew, you could feel it in the air, that the rain was coming,
And you knew that if you held out just a little bit longer,
You'd get to smile when that first drop landed on your skin,
You'd get to watch the water shoot up into the air with every stomp on every puddle,
And you knew that you'd get to feel the laughter echoing outward from within you,
As the coolness of the rain rewarded your overheated body,
And you were able to once again get lost in the clear heaven,
And this is how she affected me.
Took the day off from herself,
Hid away in the deepest recesses of her own being,
Looking for the small spark to dazzle through the darkness,
Like the Forth of July,
Fireworks in the sky,
Without the stars playing 'backlight'
Just the deep blackness surrounding her soul,
And just as she thougth she'd found the flint,
Someone called and said 'I love you'.
Tonight, I remembered you,
All your nagging fear and anxiety,
How you ran home trembling the whole way,
Eyes wide bulging out of a bleach white face,
Convulsing fingers that fail to wrap around anything purposefully,
And hair that smelled of ghosts,
I saw you,
Standing there looking back at me,
Knowing that no one's there nor will they ever be,
It's just you alone,
With a thousand nightmares standing at attention behind you,
Like an army of soldiers made from chaos and disarray,
All looking to conquer you,
And that alone should be enough to calm your quaking,
Knowing that it would in fact take that army to succeed,
As I watch you every day as you move through walls,
And find me when I'm alone,
Looking into that mirror.
She calls me out and makes me love her that much more,
Pointing out my imperfections,
Bringing them out into the light for me to see,
And making me want to be a better person,
With arms that are stronger when they pull instead of push,
Drawing her closer to me,
Deeper within me,
Down and inside to a place where she would want to stay,
Where she'd be warm and protected,
Feeling safe enough to open up,
A place where trust is an action that takes no effort,
Where the love between us flows freely like a small brook,
And her touch glows against my skin at just the slightest brush,
Where she can build a home full of comfort,
Without the worries or stress from the ghosts of her past,
Where no hauntings will find her strong mind and delicate heart,
And I want to know her every secret demon,
That chases her through her days,
Claws at her through her nights,
And I want to take those battles on my back,
Carry them for her,
And show her that I am, in fact, strong enough to take her pain,
And carry her at the same time, if need be
Until we chase the ghosts away,
And the demons no longer wish to fight,
Just so that I could hold her at the end of the day,
Watch her drift off to dream, smiling, within my arms,
Deep within my soul.
The rain falling in the night makes the street lights shine in the sky and on the ground from the reflection of the crystal clear liquid that pools up everywhere...where the wet leaves make the ground look like a sea of glass marbles...
and I tip toe across the eggshells inside her heart...
afraid of the cracking sound...
wishing I could just slip across the marbles instead...
to a land of smiles that are brighter than the summer sun on a beach of white sand...
yet, reality has me trapped within this dark, dismal place...
while she is trapped within an even darker existance...
floating up and away with every second of miscommunication allowing her to creep deeper, backwards inside herself, hiding from facts that even the methamphetamine couldn't burn away from the edges of her mind...
a mind that's on fire, blazing high, with emotions that never do anyone any good...
so she slowly slips away, floating to a place where there isn't even a need for her to remember her own name, where everything is understood by her and those around her there...
a place where I am univited, unwanted...a place where there is no hospitality for those who would have to ask questions, those that can't just understand...
and as close as we are, we still stand in different places...
me within the cold darkness of this night with my marbles and eggshells...
her within her own warmth and safety of a world that only she has a welcome mat to look upon at the door...
and I seem to be just left out in the rain with the mud on my shoe...
slipping and sliding across the eggshells and marbles trying desperately to reach her door, knowing that even if I beat on that door, screamed her name to the top of my lungs, she wouldn't be able to hear me, much less answer.
I know I love you because nothing tastes right without my lips first feeling your kiss, and my dreams aren't quite as bright unless you're in them smiling at me. Reality isn't quite as gray and the bad things turn into those lil annoying nats that are always buzzing around your face in the spring time. Distances don't seem as long until I'm in the same room with you, and the cold gets colder if I'm not in your arms. Forever seems like a flash and even with a day added...it couldn't ever be long enough.
She moves up against my skin like liquid fire being poured all over me.
Wave after wave of her body,
Hands sliding through my hair as i lean in to kiss her neck,
And she gasps aloud as she attempts to whisper,
My name into the darkness surrounding us both.
I breathe her in deeply,
And allow myself to become lost within her ocean,
Waiting for the hurricane to blow over us.
She says that she likes affection amidst the chaos,
So I give her both.
She steals away the time from existence,
Hiding it down deep within her pocket,
Skin tight jeans that accentuate the switch of determination in her walk,
And I began to willingly give her my all,
She took all that I gave and demanded for more,
Until my patience began to crack,
And my eyes began to open a lil wider with every sunrise,
Leaving me asking myself...
How much more do I give without recieving?
Knowing that I have my breaking point,
Knowing that the tide is getting higher,
I feel that I should use the winds of reason to push her ship back out to sea,
Before she crashes within the rocks upon my shore.
There's a hint of deception behind the smile.
There's a twinge of deceit within the laugh.
The sound of "I am in love with you" sounds fake riding on the voice.
The touch of the fingertip is faintly chilled.
The moistness of the kiss seems just a bit dry.
She asks me why I don't trust her.
I know how selfish she can and has been.
And now all I see is how she pretends
After years of this, it still comes as a shock to me how certain people that once used to be in my life on a daily basis can read blogs and stories and such that I post on here and automatically assume that such said story or blog is about them....even though I put no names in any of my posts....they still jump the gun and read what they want to read. Then, I'm bombarded with those people telling me to stop talking about them. News flash for everyone: If your name is not in the post, don't assume it has anything to do with you. You are not the only person that has "hurt" me or "wronged" me in my lifetime, and I'm sure you won't be the last...and the same goes for posts that are love ba
Engulf, kiss, she...
Memories on that hill...
Where dead leaves...
Danced within the breeze...
As our breathe...
But love could not last...
Such harsh, cold weather.
You ripped my heart from me,
Can't take back,
What you said,
And all the shit you've done to me,
And I tried to walk away,
While you begged for me to stay,
And I tried to hide my tears,
While you were screaming in my...
I feel hollow,
Need to borrow,
Some time from this day now,
All our memories,
All that I can see,
Is what's in the here and now,
And I tried to walk away,
While you begged for me to stay,
And I tried to hide my tears,
While you were screaming in my...
Don't think that you're the only one,
That's done something so wrong,
Don't try to say you're sorry now,
When we've been here for too long,
Don't you know that I just wanna see,
That here's where I belong.
And I tried to walk away,
While you begged for me to stay,
And I tried to hide my tears,
While you were screaming in my....
She really had me going,
She almost had me believing,
My stress rattled my veins throughout,
Sending my body clinking around the room,
Fear of what may happen,
Slapping my eyebrows until they stung and screamed,
Then, her anger burst outward,
Words shooting across the open air,
Attacking my eyes,
Attacking my mind,
Attacking my heart,
Sarcasm and hatred colliding against my soul,
The tears turned to sobs,
As her words made my skin stretch tight from crawling,
And the invisible dirt quickly covered my every inch,
Dirt that not even three scorching showers could wash away,
Dirt that had found it's way deep into my pores,
Where it seeped into my bloodstream and into my mind,
She woke up the demons inside,
She broke the chain around the monster's neck,
And released him into my paradise of forgotten nightmares,
She brought wave after wave of memories,
That were once held back by a strong smile and bellowing laughter,
She brought the night crashing down upon my sunlight,
Then, asked me why I couldn't love her.
Skin....mine's too thin, they say. I'm too weak. Shaking and trembling in anger, grimacing from the insult that I've felt. Change, give out lists....How do you wish for me to react to you today? Why? Why would I give out lists? Why mold myself to suit the needs or comfort of others? I've never gone with the flow. I've always gotten along with most everyone...why? Because I didn't really care....what they did, what they thought, what they said...and they did care...what I did, what I thought, what I said....but she...
She doesn't care...yet expects me to...but without the emotional reactions that come along with caring...but wait, don't put up those walls, either.
Someone that can't stop the smile from spreading across their face at the very sight of me. Someone that can't stop themselves from running up into my arms because they haven't seen me in a few days and they missed me that much. Someone that can't stand the thought of sitting across the room from me. Someone that wants to be next to me. Someone that's not afraid to allow me to protect them. Someone that trusts me enough to be weak and break down, hit rock bottom, in front of me because I'm the only one they feel that safe with. Someone who's very first thought is of me when they awaken in the middle of the night from a bad dream. Someone who wants it to be me that's with them, rolling around in bed late at night just laughing at the stupid events of the day. Someone that wants me to be the one that they vent to when their boss was a total ass at work that day. Someone that can't help but be emotional when it comes to me even though they've spent their entire life being guarded, cold, calloused, and distanced from feeling. Someone that wants me to be the one to take care of them when they're sick. Someone that I want there to take care of me when I'm sick. Someone that would do whatever it took to stay by my side because they know without a doubt that I'd do the same for US. Someone that wouldn't be able to stand in front of me and watch me cry my eyes out without crying themselves, and we both end up breaking down in each other's arms. Someone who's first thought in the morning and last thought at night is of me. Someone who just can't seem to get a good night's sleep unless I'm there in the bed next to them. Someone who can't wait for spring and summer so that we can go on lil pic nics in the park or just walk down a sidewalk holding hands. Someone that likes winter and fall just because it gives them an excuse to be curled up in a blanket with me while loungin round the house. Someone that opens up and tells me what they feel, what they're thinking, they're hopes, dreams, and fears. Someone that whispers through the darkness how much they love me while we lie in bed late at night, on the edge of sleep, arms and legs entangled together, so close that you can't tell where one begins and the other ends. Someone that is so overcome with emotion when we make love that they become lost, everything else fades away except the two of us. Someone that wants me...there...and isn't afraid to show how much they want me there....
Lists. I was told to make a list. I shouldn't have to make a list, should I? Isn't that a sign that it just isn't meant to be? Is it supposed to be THIS hard? Is it supposed to take this much work? This much compromise? And then, what are you left with? A robot that you've programmed and trained? More emptyness? Just a shadow that goes through the motions? That's the last thing I want. I just want to be happy with someone that's happy with me...and we both show it...not because we have to...because we can't stop ourselves from showing it...we can't stop revolving around each other like stars in the night sky circling their orbit. I want my own solar system. Is that too much to ask?
I let you back into my life, my home, my heart...because I loved you and wanted to be with you. You said you wanted the same thing, but then would turn around when angry and curse me to no end, say hurtful, evil things to me, kick me, slap me, shove me....and I would just stand there and take it. I took it as long as I could....then, I couldn't take any more. You would say and do things just to get a rise of anger out of me, and there were so many times when I was angry and never acted on it. I let it go. I chalked it up to your mental illness that you swore up and down you don't have. I know better. I also know how you lied to me....then would turn around and accuse me of being the liar. You accused me of cheating on you. I wasn't, but you wouldn't believe the truth. Your paranoia got the best of you...and your reaction to that paranoia got the best of me. You and your snide remarks, sarcastic tones, know it all facade....you're really just someone that is so completely engulfed by her past and her insecurity that you have to belittle everyone around you in order to make yourself seem like a better person. You pretend to be so intelligent, but that show doesn't last long. As soon as your temper flares, you show just how ignorant you really are with your screams and fake tears....all just for the attention...because even bad attention is still attention...and that was something that you didn't feel you got enough of from me...attention...so, like the immature child that you are deep down inside, you did what any immature child would do....you pitched your little temper tantrums, screaming and kicking me. But our last night together I didn't just take it any more, did I?! I acted on my frustrations with you. You slapped me....I slapped you back, didn't I?! You kept pushing my buttons, and I just kept giving you my anger. It became quite physical, didn't it?! You actually picked up a broom and tried to beat me with it. Went on and on about how you'd almost killed someone before and that you'd do it again to me. I called your bluff, told you to do something. You just stood there.
Thankfully, we made it through that night without seriously hurting one another. I feel bad for putting my hands on you....but I wasn't going to just stand there any longer and just take your abuse. It felt good to stand up for myself, and seeing you go the next day....that was so liberating. Then, of course, you had to just TRY one more thing after leaving, so you left a voicemail on my cell lying about having my MP3 pla
But there IS something new now....my life....and it's without you in it...and it's never been a better life because of that fact. I don't wish any harm on you, but I definately don't ever want to even lay eyes on you again. I hope you have a happy life....I just hope it's happily FAR AWAY from mine....
And I hope that you do finally admit to having a mental illness and actually get real help instead of lying to your therapist, telling her what you think she wants to hear. Otherwise, you're going to have one long, miserable life. Good luck and goodbye.
Previous PostsSilence, posted March 13th, 2013
Black Fungus, posted November 4th, 2012
Running, posted September 2nd, 2012
Maybe, posted July 12th, 2012
Skin Made Of Stone, posted May 14th, 2012
How She Affected Me, posted March 29th, 2012
The Flint, posted March 29th, 2012
A Thousand Nightmares, posted March 29th, 2012
Battles On My Back, posted March 29th, 2012
Marbles And Eggshells, posted March 29th, 2012
Forever Seems Like A Flash, posted March 29th, 2012
Affection Amidst The Chaos, posted March 29th, 2012
High Tide Breaking, posted March 29th, 2012
How She Pretends, posted March 29th, 2012
NO, It's NOT About YOU, posted March 29th, 2012
The Fawn's Trail, posted March 28th, 2012, 2 comments
Tried To Walk Away, posted March 28th, 2012, 1 comment
Broken Chains, posted March 28th, 2012
I Want My Own Solar System, posted March 28th, 2012
This Is Your Goodbye, posted March 26th, 2012
You Can Call Me Whatever You Like, posted January 16th, 2012
No Way, posted October 21st, 2011, 1 comment
How Do I Feel Now That You're Gone?, posted September 16th, 2011
Pathetic, posted March 20th, 2011, 1 comment
My Life At This Moment, posted March 15th, 2011
After All These Years, posted March 14th, 2011, 3 comments
The One Foot Wise Choice?, posted March 2nd, 2011
The NEEDED Slap In The Face, posted February 25th, 2011
Fighting Consciousness, posted February 11th, 2011
Burning Bridges..., posted February 5th, 2011
The "Nosey Neighbor", posted February 3rd, 2011
Finally Home, posted April 4th, 2010, 1 comment
The Taking And Enough Points Update, posted February 12th, 2010, 1 comment
This Rest Stop, posted February 4th, 2010, 1 comment
It's Hers To Carry., posted February 1st, 2010, 1 comment
The Taking And Enough Points, posted January 30th, 2010
Frozen Crystals On My Cheeks, posted January 28th, 2010
She Made A Fool Of Me, posted January 27th, 2010, 2 comments
Because I Am In Love With Her, posted January 27th, 2010
But Still, posted January 27th, 2010
It Was Just Static Electricity, posted January 27th, 2010
Waiting and Whispering, posted January 26th, 2010
The Status Message, posted January 25th, 2010
Flying With Strawberry Shortcake, posted January 23rd, 2010
France Fights The American Snack Cake, posted January 23rd, 2010
Once I Get There, posted January 21st, 2010, 5 comments
No Expectations, posted January 11th, 2010
Trying To Be Grateful, posted January 9th, 2010
Beating A Dead Horse, posted January 8th, 2010, 1 comment
Auto Pilot, posted December 31st, 2009
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