I was just a game to her. I was like some domestic house cat that she dangled a ball of yarn in front of leading me wherever she pleased....only the ball of yarn was actually her heart...a heart that she knew from the beginning that she wouldn't ever allow me to catch. I was simply something to occupy her mind when her boredom set in, something to toy with until someone better came along and caught her eye.
I was the fool that allowed myself to fall. I shouldve seen it all from the start, but, I guess part of me didn't want to see it. I guess, part of me wanted to believe that I actually could be good enough, worthy of her love. I hadn't felt anything for anyone in years. ..until her. She took that small spark and watched it dance, fed the flame just enough to keep it burning, then, snuffed it out with the snap of her fingers without so much as bl
I was always put on the back burner. "I don't have time for this"...."I can't deal with you right now"....she never intended to have time or deal with anything pertaining to me. She gave me just enough to keep me wanting more, sending me into some emotional hell where I would writhe in my own anger and pain of rejection from her...that inner civil war that I fought day in and day out...."I deserve better"...."She doesn't mean the hurtful things she says"...."I am just going to move on"....."How do I forget someone that haunts me so?!"
She knew the chaos she'd caused within me....and didn't care. Still, she "didn't have time"....and yet, still...here I sit...thinking of her...hoping she's okay...hoping she's thinking of me.
My last words to her were "If ya have anything else to say to me, you can fly your ass over here and say it to my face"...and I said that to her because I know deep down that I won't ever be worth that to her. I never was. I never will be.
You run. You run fast and hard. You push and push and push. You go all the way to the edge of your own sanity just to protect what bit you have left, to protect what tiny slivers of a heart you have left inside your cage. I attempted to reach through the bars to gently caress, my hand meeting with your teeth instead. I quickly jerked my arm away. Then, you screamed at me how I'd run from you, abandoned you, pulled away from you. I stepped closer to your cage, you turned your back to me in all of your defiance. I begged and pleaded for just one last glance from your eyes. Do I dare reach in once again? Would my hand meet your warm tears this time? Would you allow me to gently wipe those tears away? Would you nuzzle your head against the bars of your self made cage and allow me to breath you in? Could you open up and trust me enough to show you how I feel toward you? We both know that you wouldn't. We both know that you'd scratch my eyes out of their sockets and rip my soul from my very being...and then cry about how you're always left alone.
I became lost within her eyes when I saw her strength,
As her mind screamed at me to keep my distance,
And her heart secretly whispered to me through the darkness of night,
For me to navigate my way through the maze,
That protects her soul,
So I packed a small knapsack and took the first step,
Bringing me closer to her deepest inner core,
Where her innocence and vulnerability hides,
And I took a peek around the first corner of the seemingly endless pathways,
Knowing that I could easily become lost forever within her maze,
And I grinned as I rounded that corner,
Because of the pure amazement that she makes me feel,
Just seeing her smile,
The way her eyes light up like the full moon within the night sky,
And I'll follow that moon every night,
Until it shines down upon her head as she stands before me,
In all her inner beauty that she tries so desperately to keep hidden,
That moon will guide me because even the moon can see,
That I can't fathom even the thought of having to face the daylight,
Without her at my side.
Missed opportunities sometimes take me by suprise. Random moments of boredom lead me into a heart filled with regret. She sheltered me with a love that I'd never known before, a love that I haven't known since, but times were different back then. My head and heart were different. ..broken.
She saw my broken shards, me at my weakest, me at the bottom of my deep, dark, damp, and cracked heart that barely beat at the time. She saw my fragile tears as they fell upon her skin and shattered. She felt my faint, ragged breath upon her cheek. She stared at me with such pain in her eyes when she saw me completely and totally naked emotionally.
I opened up my many closets for her, held each and every door for her as she leaned forward and took her peek inside...all the while I kept thinking "Surely, after she sees what's in this closet, she'll be gone, she'll run away screaming at the top of her lungs and won't ever look back"...but that moment of chaos never came...no matter how much chaos from my own past she witnessed, felt, or heard. She stayed without so much as flinching. Then, after seeing everything that I didn't have to offer, after seeing what dark depths my demons lie in awaiting to burst out in full force, after feeling the chills from how cold and cut off I can be, after it all, she gently took my face within her soft, warm hands and said...
I love you. Stay here. Be with me.
I turned and walked away leaving her drowning in her own shattering tears.
I told myself back then that what she felt for me wasn't real.....that she just didn't know it yet...and that staying would only end up being the death of something beautiful, yet so delicately fragile. She protected me, I wanted to protect that. Can't lose someone you've never had. So, I left thinking that the memories would be enough for both of us, that she'd awaken one day and realize the same, that she just couldn't see it yet, the truth had yet to come to her.
Then, years later, while clicking through maze after maze of Internet sites, I stumble upon her words on the screen confessing that she hides how she still feels towards me...still...still
The night has fallen, and the moon has brought with it a cold chill to dust out upon the air. I stand outside on my balcony inhaling deeply on a cigarette while thinking of you. So many songs and phrases and sounds and laughters and sobs and whispers that remind me of you all day long...until I get home...until now. The quiet is mind shattering. Memories seem to fade away with the ringing in my ears causing my mind to open up to the reality of things. You're gone because I left. Sounds odd to say it like that, but there it is in black and white. I left because you weren't ever there to begin with. Perhaps you wanted to be. Perhaps you thought that you were. Perhaps you knew all along that you were playing a game of ghosts and shadows all along and were just awaiting to see how long it took me to catch on. All I know is that we're on two separate planes....mentally, emotionally...spiritually. I say what I mean, and I mean what I say...I'm literal...and open. You have a habit of hiding behind your own eyes, refusing to open your lips to speak...and even upon opening them, barely any sound comes out....just a silent stare of failure. The silence then...I hated it. The silence now? It's comforting. Odd how something like silence can make one feel so many different emotions and have so many different thoughts. At times, silence can cause more chaos that a dictator's glory speech to a nation of followers....yet, at other times, silence can heal even the most broken mind or soul. They say to think before you speak...that words are dangerous...and I agree with that...but somebody forgot to address just how dangerous the lack of words can be.
It always starts with a smile and a hello,
The rain is bout to come down,
Solid on the ground,
Like kids throwin stones at an old man's window,
And he'll come outside,
With his cane held high,
Scream "Imma call the cops if you don't go!"
I smell nail polish remover out on my balcony,
Neighbor's tryin to put on a smile,
I just realized I've missed my bus,
After I've walked so many miles,
And I've run outta time,
I'm runnin outta air,
I've run outta money,
Searchin for a better place,
Searchin for a better me.
So....big changes at my job...good changes at my job..massive pay raise. Things are looking up, finally. Since breaking up with my ex over 3 months ago, things have been a lot less stressful in my life. I'm surrounded by people that are actually somewhat SANE and don't LIE. I honestly think my ex was compulsive with her lies...I'm sure she still is...and I'm glad her insanity is completely out of my life now. I shouldn't have put up with her and everything that she "brought to the table" as long as I did, but, I didn't want to give up, I guess. Somewhere down inside me, there was a part of me that really did love her....BUT, I'm now glad that she's gone and it's all over and done.
I've been dating. The only problem I seem to be having with that is: I'm not ready to "settle down"...and it seems that everyone I date wants to be exclusive..wants a relationship. After going through everything that I went through with the ex, I'm just not ready for another relationship...especially not now...I need to be more focused on my job than anything at the moment...then, once things settle down at work..once I settle down at work...then...maybe...Maybe.
I can feel it coming in the air...those small, bright sparks in the atmosphere around me...that heavy weight feeling on my chest...the cold emptiness that massages at my heart...and the dark realizations that stomp down onto the floor of my mind.
I should have done more research. I could've avoided so many aches and pains of the mental and emotional kind. Now, another...running straight up to me at full speed, smile spread wide, arms outstretched, hopeful tears in the eye that I will be accepting and wanting...
But I'm not wanting. I don't want to be accepting of this. I want to feel the warmth of the sunlight on my smiling, glowing face as the happiness bellows out of me in laughter...but, alas, all that was ever brought by this carrier was the ice, cold rain falling from black clouds and landing on skin made of stone.
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It was like a liquid fire,
Engulfing me from the inside out,
Coarsing through my veins and radiating through the pores of my skin,
And causing me to glow with every step,
Feeling the power of the light as is verberated off every muscle movement,
Like a much needed stretch in the morning when you jump out of bed,
Refreshed and very much alive,
Feeling every inch of your throat and lungs as you suck the fresh air in,
And your eyes get wide in order to take in all the beauty of life,
Causing you to feel like a little kid again,
When you played in the rain in the afternoon after playing in the sweltering heat of the day,
Where it was so hot that you couldn't even breathe in the shade,
But you endured the sun's rays beating down upon your head,
Causing your hair to smell like sunshine,
Because you knew, you could feel it in the air, that the rain was coming,
And you knew that if you held out just a little bit longer,
You'd get to smile when that first drop landed on your skin,
You'd get to watch the water shoot up into the air with every stomp on every puddle,
And you knew that you'd get to feel the laughter echoing outward from within you,
As the coolness of the rain rewarded your overheated body,
And you were able to once again get lost in the clear heaven,
And this is how she affected me.
Took the day off from herself,
Hid away in the deepest recesses of her own being,
Looking for the small spark to dazzle through the darkness,
Like the Forth of July,
Fireworks in the sky,
Without the stars playing 'backlight'
Just the deep blackness surrounding her soul,
And just as she thougth she'd found the flint,
Someone called and said 'I love you'.
Tonight, I remembered you,
All your nagging fear and anxiety,
How you ran home trembling the whole way,
Eyes wide bulging out of a bleach white face,
Convulsing fingers that fail to wrap around anything purposefully,
And hair that smelled of ghosts,
I saw you,
Standing there looking back at me,
Knowing that no one's there nor will they ever be,
It's just you alone,
With a thousand nightmares standing at attention behind you,
Like an army of soldiers made from chaos and disarray,
All looking to conquer you,
And that alone should be enough to calm your quaking,
Knowing that it would in fact take that army to succeed,
As I watch you every day as you move through walls,
And find me when I'm alone,
Looking into that mirror.
She calls me out and makes me love her that much more,
Pointing out my imperfections,
Bringing them out into the light for me to see,
And making me want to be a better person,
With arms that are stronger when they pull instead of push,
Drawing her closer to me,
Deeper within me,
Down and inside to a place where she would want to stay,
Where she'd be warm and protected,
Feeling safe enough to open up,
A place where trust is an action that takes no effort,
Where the love between us flows freely like a small brook,
And her touch glows against my skin at just the slightest brush,
Where she can build a home full of comfort,
Without the worries or stress from the ghosts of her past,
Where no hauntings will find her strong mind and delicate heart,
And I want to know her every secret demon,
That chases her through her days,
Claws at her through her nights,
And I want to take those battles on my back,
Carry them for her,
And show her that I am, in fact, strong enough to take her pain,
And carry her at the same time, if need be
Until we chase the ghosts away,
And the demons no longer wish to fight,
Just so that I could hold her at the end of the day,
Watch her drift off to dream, smiling, within my arms,
Deep within my soul.
The rain falling in the night makes the street lights shine in the sky and on the ground from the reflection of the crystal clear liquid that pools up everywhere...where the wet leaves make the ground look like a sea of glass marbles...
and I tip toe across the eggshells inside her heart...
afraid of the cracking sound...
wishing I could just slip across the marbles instead...
to a land of smiles that are brighter than the summer sun on a beach of white sand...
yet, reality has me trapped within this dark, dismal place...
while she is trapped within an even darker existance...
floating up and away with every second of miscommunication allowing her to creep deeper, backwards inside herself, hiding from facts that even the methamphetamine couldn't burn away from the edges of her mind...
a mind that's on fire, blazing high, with emotions that never do anyone any good...
so she slowly slips away, floating to a place where there isn't even a need for her to remember her own name, where everything is understood by her and those around her there...
a place where I am univited, unwanted...a place where there is no hospitality for those who would have to ask questions, those that can't just understand...
and as close as we are, we still stand in different places...
me within the cold darkness of this night with my marbles and eggshells...
her within her own warmth and safety of a world that only she has a welcome mat to look upon at the door...
and I seem to be just left out in the rain with the mud on my shoe...
slipping and sliding across the eggshells and marbles trying desperately to reach her door, knowing that even if I beat on that door, screamed her name to the top of my lungs, she wouldn't be able to hear me, much less answer.
I know I love you because nothing tastes right without my lips first feeling your kiss, and my dreams aren't quite as bright unless you're in them smiling at me. Reality isn't quite as gray and the bad things turn into those lil annoying nats that are always buzzing around your face in the spring time. Distances don't seem as long until I'm in the same room with you, and the cold gets colder if I'm not in your arms. Forever seems like a flash and even with a day added...it couldn't ever be long enough.
She moves up against my skin like liquid fire being poured all over me.
Wave after wave of her body,
Hands sliding through my hair as i lean in to kiss her neck,
And she gasps aloud as she attempts to whisper,
My name into the darkness surrounding us both.
I breathe her in deeply,
And allow myself to become lost within her ocean,
Waiting for the hurricane to blow over us.
She says that she likes affection amidst the chaos,
So I give her both.
She steals away the time from existence,
Hiding it down deep within her pocket,
Skin tight jeans that accentuate the switch of determination in her walk,
And I began to willingly give her my all,
She took all that I gave and demanded for more,
Until my patience began to crack,
And my eyes began to open a lil wider with every sunrise,
Leaving me asking myself...
How much more do I give without recieving?
Knowing that I have my breaking point,
Knowing that the tide is getting higher,
I feel that I should use the winds of reason to push her ship back out to sea,
Before she crashes within the rocks upon my shore.
There's a hint of deception behind the smile.
There's a twinge of deceit within the laugh.
The sound of "I am in love with you" sounds fake riding on the voice.
The touch of the fingertip is faintly chilled.
The moistness of the kiss seems just a bit dry.
She asks me why I don't trust her.
I know how selfish she can and has been.
And now all I see is how she pretends
Previous PostsNot Worth The Fight or The Flight, posted May 6th, 2015
Caged Animal, posted May 2nd, 2015, 1 comment
The Moon and The Maze, posted May 2nd, 2015
X Ambassadors Litost, posted May 2nd, 2015
Missed Opportunities, posted March 11th, 2015
Silence, posted March 13th, 2013
Black Fungus, posted November 4th, 2012
Running, posted September 2nd, 2012
Maybe, posted July 12th, 2012
Skin Made Of Stone, posted May 14th, 2012
One Holiday, posted April 9th, 2012
How She Affected Me, posted March 29th, 2012
The Flint, posted March 29th, 2012
A Thousand Nightmares, posted March 29th, 2012
Battles On My Back, posted March 29th, 2012
Marbles And Eggshells, posted March 29th, 2012
Forever Seems Like A Flash, posted March 29th, 2012
Affection Amidst The Chaos, posted March 29th, 2012
High Tide Breaking, posted March 29th, 2012
How She Pretends, posted March 29th, 2012
NO, It's NOT About YOU, posted March 29th, 2012
The Fawn's Trail, posted March 28th, 2012, 2 comments
Tried To Walk Away, posted March 28th, 2012, 1 comment
Broken Chains, posted March 28th, 2012
I Want My Own Solar System, posted March 28th, 2012
This Is Your Goodbye, posted March 26th, 2012
You Can Call Me Whatever You Like, posted January 16th, 2012
No Way, posted October 21st, 2011, 1 comment
How Do I Feel Now That You're Gone?, posted September 16th, 2011
Pathetic, posted March 20th, 2011, 1 comment
My Life At This Moment, posted March 15th, 2011
After All These Years, posted March 14th, 2011, 3 comments
The One Foot Wise Choice?, posted March 2nd, 2011
The NEEDED Slap In The Face, posted February 25th, 2011
Fighting Consciousness, posted February 11th, 2011
Burning Bridges..., posted February 5th, 2011
The "Nosey Neighbor", posted February 3rd, 2011
Finally Home, posted April 4th, 2010, 1 comment
The Taking And Enough Points Update, posted February 12th, 2010, 1 comment
This Rest Stop, posted February 4th, 2010, 1 comment
It's Hers To Carry., posted February 1st, 2010, 1 comment
The Taking And Enough Points, posted January 30th, 2010
Frozen Crystals On My Cheeks, posted January 28th, 2010
She Made A Fool Of Me, posted January 27th, 2010, 2 comments
Because I Am In Love With Her, posted January 27th, 2010
But Still, posted January 27th, 2010
It Was Just Static Electricity, posted January 27th, 2010
Waiting and Whispering, posted January 26th, 2010
The Status Message, posted January 25th, 2010
Flying With Strawberry Shortcake, posted January 23rd, 2010
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